Maa...

As I touch the keyboard to write this blog post, tears are rolling from my eyes. I am alone in my memories to visit a bereaved mother.
5th May 2012: College life is over and everybody are busy packing their bags to leave the place where we friends spent 4 years of our life. Even though each and every moment was an emotional one, still the power of my mother was like a mighty floodgate that prevented my tears to come out. I was unaware that, shortly this emotional insulation of my mother would break down before a bereaved mother. One of our friends living in a nearby town invited us for a lunch at his house. By noon, we were jam packed in a shared jeep en-route his place. When I entered his house and touched the feet of his mother, I felt an air of unimaginable grief. Somehow I managed to control my emotions. As my friend went for a bath and his mother went to the kitchen for serving the lunch, we friends started chatting. Suddenly someone told that our friend's elder brother has passed away in an unfortunate accident few months back. After a few minutes my friend came from his bath and his mother started serving lunch. She was just about to pour mutton curry on my dish when I said - "Aunty, I don't eat chicken or mutton". With a caring tone she replied - "Don't worry beta, I didn't knew that. But how will you enjoy the lunch without mutton curry !!" Before I could say anything, she poured more rice, dal and sabzi on my plate. Her soothing voice and affection reminded me of my mother feeding me with her own hands when I was a kid. I was about to break down, but recomposed myself to finish all that she had affectionately poured on my plate even though it meant over-eating. I felt as if she is seeing her dead son within me and pouring all her motherly affection. I held back my tears as I didn't want to spoil the beautiful moment. After lunch we took a short nap. But the small child inside me was crying. The feeling was ripping my heart apart and I wanted to shed my tears. Finally, when we were leaving, I touched her feet again. But this time, a single drop of tear fell from my eyes.
Later on in the evening there was the final booze party in hostel. As they say, alcohol brings out the best of emotions buried deep inside you, people started consuming it. I declined the offer as I didn't want the emotions inside me to come out. I wanted to cry... Cry real hard... But in private. By the time the party got over, everybody was high. Many were crying recalling the good old college days and nostalgia of 4 years friendship. Unable to stay in such an atmosphere I retired to bed and finally got my private space to shed every bit of motherly emotion that I developed for the lady who had lost her child.
When I was a small kid, Maa looked after me all day. After a tiring daytime work, when she would take a short nap at afternoon, I used to pull her hairs and poke her. But she never reacted and slept as I kept on literally assaulting her with my tiny hands. Thinking her to be dead, I used to cry when she would wake up and then again console me on her lap. Reassured that she is alive, I used to cuddle her and fall asleep. As I have grown up today, I find that the world outside her lap is a really hostile place. Everyday, I face this world to fight a new battle. Everyday, my mind gets tired and injured and I retire to bed with an imagination that even though she is thousands of miles away from me, I have a part of her deep inside my heart to comfort me.
I wish one day, when the daily battle for survival on this planet gets over, I will return home... To lay my tired head on her lap... To forget all the happiness and sorrows of this life... To shut my eyes and return to the dream world forever...